[ closed post: the sun shines brightly ]

[lightbearinglord]

It has been a strange handful of weeks, but Lan Wangji can accept strange far more easily than he could accept the pain that rippled inexorably outward from Shen Yuan's death, seeming to leave no one untouched. The parade of visitors was unusual, and thought-provoking, but not painful. Lan Wangji enjoyed meeting most of them. Even Galahad, whose empty politeness made him feel hollow in turn -- there was a quiet satisfaction in bringing him to the rabbits and watching his stunned expression at the simple joy of holding something small and vulnerable and trusting.

As for himself, the memories are so abstract as to be incomprehensible. There is something there, enough something to assure him that Aornis had no hand in this specific strangeness. But he can barely grasp at the details. He remembers embracing Magnus, but that signifies nothing out of the ordinary. He remembers sparring with Gideon; he remembers that he needs to ask Sagramore for fresh poetry. He remembers the loss of Wei Ying, newer and crueler than it typically is these days, but when he came back to himself the next morning, Wei Ying was there, his head tucked beneath Lan Wangji's chin and his ankle hooked around Lan Wangji's hip.

The least enjoyable of his encounters, at the least, provided him with something important. He has not removed the locket from his qiankun pouch. He wants to waste no time in bringing it to its intended recipient. He performs the first of his morning routines -- his meditation, his patrol, Wei Ying's breakfast -- and then goes to look for Magnus at the camp.

Comments

[summerdude]

"And now you can do it on purpose. As part of your comedy show."

[lightbearinglord]

"Naturally." Unable to resist, he takes Magnus' hand one more time, just to give it a firm, definitively fond squeeze before he lets go again. He is grateful to be here, grateful that Galahad was willing to wait until the afternoon to meet and grateful to have the rest of the morning to enjoy the careless, careful beauty Magnus has cultivated for his best friend.

[summerdude]

The quiet, and Hanguang-jun's squeeze, help Magnus put together some more connections between the thoughts he's been having. "Hanguang-jun?" he asks. "Do you have, like. Trauma? From the war when you were seventeen?"

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji doesn't know how to answer that, and so he doesn't, not for a long moment. He looks at Magnus with the blank expression of pure surprise. "I don't know." That sounds like a useless answer even to his own ears. He has listened to Claudius talking about his trauma and the workbook he is using for it; he has investigated the definition of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder on his own time. But it has hardly occurred to him to think of himself in relation to it.

[summerdude]

"I don't have any from Valhalla," says Magnus, with quiet, firm conviction, because he can tell Hanguang-jun worries. From his years on the streets? Probably. From dying? Sure. From his mom's murder? Definitely. From Frey telling him all hope rests on his shoulders? Maybe, maybe not; it's still a ton of pressure. From the zombie attack here? Welllllll...... But Valhalla... not really.

[lightbearinglord]

"All right," Lan Wangji says, choosing to accept Magnus' word for the time being. He doesn't know if he has trauma from the Sunshot Campaign. He thinks of it sometimes, and of the events that led up to it; he thinks of the Cloud Recesses burning, of sitting in a cavern underground with his broken leg aching and wondering whether he would see his family again, of chasing Wei Ying around the battlefield and begging him to see reason. He thinks even more often of Nightless City, of carrying Wei Ying away with so little spiritual energy left to him that he was certain Bichen would drop from the sky at any moment. It felt like trying to make a stone bleed and, through sheer mindless determination, succeeding. He thinks of his punishment, kneeling by the Wall of Discipline and the building agony of each successive blow from the whip in his uncle's hand. More than that, he thinks of lying on his side in the jingshi, immobile with pain, and receiving the messenger. Good news, Wei Wuxian is dead.

[summerdude]

"I don't mean to bring up anything," Magnus says, after a moment. "I just... I, like, care. Or whatever." He pauses. "Does Sizhui? Does he remember things? You said he was three, right? Do kids that young, like. Remember stuff?"

[lightbearinglord]

"Sizhui had a fever when I found him. He remembered very little when he recovered." Talking about Sizhui, luckily, is a little easier than talking about himself.

[summerdude]

"I wonder how much Sunny is gonna remember," Magnus says, frowning. "She's already mostly forgotten what her parents look like. I don't want her to forget her siblings, too."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji is quiet for another moment, because he doesn't imagine Magnus will like the answer. "She will," he says, and he does regret it, but as far as he can tell, it is true. "She may remember feelings, but not faces."

[summerdude]

"That makes sense." Magnus makes a mental note to talk to Grantaire.

[lightbearinglord]

"Mn." He considers for another beat. "Sizhui remembers some things now. Not many. Some memories returned when he reunited with people he knew before he was ill."

[summerdude]

"I'm more, like. Thinking about what if she doesn't get to reunite with them at all."

[lightbearinglord]

"What are you thinking?"

[summerdude]

"That it would be sad? If she forgot?"

[lightbearinglord]

He gives Magnus a very mild look. Obviously it would be sad. "How do you think we can help her if she does?"

[summerdude]

"I'm working on it." He's turning over thoughts, slowly. "I told her she should talk to Galahad about drawings, but I think he prefers to have, like. A reference."

[lightbearinglord]

"Mn." He can imagine that being the case. "You and Crowley understand her. You can record her memories now for when she can no longer relay them."

[summerdude]

Magnus guesses he should talk to Crowley. He fidgets for a moment, then opens his locket again and looks at his mom. "I'm really glad my Evil Twin gave you this."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji follows Magnus' gaze down to the photographs within. He may feel slightly wistful when he looks at them, but he can't regret that Magnus has them. He deserves those memories. "I am, too."

[summerdude]

"I wish everyone could have something like it."

[lightbearinglord]

"Mn," Lan Wangji says again, more quietly now. If his memories of Wei Ying's first face are distorted, those of his mother's are barely there at all. She was a mistake, an aberration; no one was likely to come and paint her portrait.

[summerdude]

Magnus sighs, reflecting on their conversation. "Hanguang-jun, it's hard to not feel like everything is at least a little bit my responsibility."

[lightbearinglord]

Lan Wangji looks at him for a moment, his brows drawn together just barely with some potent amalgamation of worry and fondness. He can take none of the responsibility for Magnus' goodness and sweetness, but he meant it when he said that he was proud regardless. "I know. You want to help. You have a good heart."

[summerdude]

"Is that okay?" Magnus asks. "I still, like. Promise to tell you when I'm overwhelmed."