Lan Wangji (蓝忘机) (
lightbearinglord) wrote2024-09-11 01:38 pm
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[ closed post: the heavy is the root of the light ]
His promise has been kept. Gideon has seen Aornis' body, and the conclusive nature of her death can't be denied. When Lan Wangji drew back the covering of his own robe, there was nothing, no lingering spirit. There was only a body.
He finds his way to the game room for the third time that day, weary. It has emptied of all its occupants now. The television has been shut off. Lan Wangji suspects that he spots one of SecUnit's drones, but he doesn't have the heart to look more closely. He is not trudging -- not in reality, not when he has his body trained so impeccably to obey him -- but he feels a certain heaviness of limb as he crosses the room's threshold again. His robes are flecked with blood and there are still traces of dried blood on his face, though the glass shard wounds that bled there are scabbing over by now. Memories keep plucking at him with demanding fingers, trying for his attention, and he continues to dismiss them as best he can, with every scrap of discipline that he has.
The room has been emptied, more accurately, of all its occupants but one. Claudius, who waited to meet him just as he asked. Lan Wangji could easily make an excuse for this request -- he and Claudius worked together on this plan for so long, coordinating what felt like a thousand game pieces and meticulously documenting every move and discovery they made. It would be easy to tell himself that he merely wants to bring finality to their efforts by going over the details of the battle, nothing more. It isn't untrue. But he knows that, in fact, most of what he wants is to see his friend. He wants the comfort of his presence and of the fact that they've accomplished what they meant to accomplish, as unclean as it feels now. They're done, and no one else had to die for it.
He finds his way to the game room for the third time that day, weary. It has emptied of all its occupants now. The television has been shut off. Lan Wangji suspects that he spots one of SecUnit's drones, but he doesn't have the heart to look more closely. He is not trudging -- not in reality, not when he has his body trained so impeccably to obey him -- but he feels a certain heaviness of limb as he crosses the room's threshold again. His robes are flecked with blood and there are still traces of dried blood on his face, though the glass shard wounds that bled there are scabbing over by now. Memories keep plucking at him with demanding fingers, trying for his attention, and he continues to dismiss them as best he can, with every scrap of discipline that he has.
The room has been emptied, more accurately, of all its occupants but one. Claudius, who waited to meet him just as he asked. Lan Wangji could easily make an excuse for this request -- he and Claudius worked together on this plan for so long, coordinating what felt like a thousand game pieces and meticulously documenting every move and discovery they made. It would be easy to tell himself that he merely wants to bring finality to their efforts by going over the details of the battle, nothing more. It isn't untrue. But he knows that, in fact, most of what he wants is to see his friend. He wants the comfort of his presence and of the fact that they've accomplished what they meant to accomplish, as unclean as it feels now. They're done, and no one else had to die for it.
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Rousseau also says that humans are naturally good but quickly descend into corrupt sophistication -- he remembers the ironic emphasis. When playing the role of the neutral investigator, Aornis rarely let her true disdain be known through such slips. Claudius was the same way, though that quickly broke -- he couldn't keep himself from complaining to Temeraire about all the ways society fails people, all the ways he thought they'd be better off without kings and absolute judgment. If Aornis's last, bitter words about going down without a trial reached no one else, they reached him.
He would've liked to have known her better. He would've taken her side, he thinks, if she relented, if she expressed regret for her petty manipulations with Galahad's dreams when Galahad was (he's sure) nothing but kind and trusting with her. If she expressed fear, when she attacked Magnus for remembering her, or when she attacked Luo Binghe and killed Shen Yuan in the crossfire. He would've helped her lie, helped her evade Luo Binghe's vengeance, which more than ever Claudius finds petty and hollow. Luo Binghe was a convenient figure to manipulate, that was all. Bitter and empty except for his vengeance.
I'm a Hades, Aornis said at the last, in those quick, forgotten seconds which would've been lost forever, if Galahad didn't capture her image that night to fix her face in his mind. Sympathy isn't our style.
There's an integrity to that, he's sure. He thinks he'll mourn her, despite everything, as a niece he'd never had, making the some foolish mistakes as him because she thought she had no choice but to play the villain. But he still holds close to his heart his confession to Tress, the confession of all his lies, but also of how much he'd come to love her. I don't think lies can really make someone happy.
Lies were all Claudius had to give, so he couldn't save Aornis from herself. Not when she didn't want to be saved. She's with her brother now, or she isn't, but whatever else, she'll never be a part of their pack.
And Claudius waits for his. When Lan Wangji returns, Claudius turns, and extends an outstretched hand. "Thou hast done well," he says, and says it like a promise.
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Searching for words feels like plunging his hand into an icy pool and plucking stones from its very bottom one by one, his fingers numb with it. For Claudius, though, he flicks his gaze down at himself and at the uneven spray of blood across his front and says, "None of it is Luo Binghe's." He took especial care to avoid Luo Binghe's blood.
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Aornis sat with him, a drink in her hand and a bland expression on her face, and asked, We all have our own narratives, don't we? All the while, Magnus was in danger. Her power was pinning Magnus in place, nearly gutting him with that sword, the one that still sits wrapped in fabric in his bedroom. Lan Wangji dismissed her as a suspect because of that conversation.
This memory is the one he has been trying, with limited success, to push aside. He can only barely identify the cold rush of feeling that comes with looking at it head-on: anger, betrayal, desperate protectiveness. With the hand that isn't gripping Claudius', he covers his face and endeavors to breathe.
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And yet, coming from a tragedy, Claudius managed to met a truly good man, a man meant to be the romantic hero (Claudius sometimes thinks, with no evidence) who holds the antihero when he stumbles. Their brotherhood wasn't destiny. No one who wrote their stories required this happen, required Claudius to catch Lan Wangji, and look at him with a world's worth of gratitude and love. "I have thee," he murmurs. Of that much, he's sure. If he was wrong, to put Lan Wangji on this path, that's a responsibility he'll bear -- but he'll bear it gladly. He pulls his friend close.
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Perhaps he ought to straighten and look Claudius in the eye, but his body is leaden. He hopes Claudius will not mind the weight of his head on his shoulder. He thinks he will not. "We thwarted her more than once," he says, and despite everything, he could smile to realize it, if he could smile at all in the grip of this uncanny exhaustion. "Our friendship."
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It's a gentle memory, soft as rabbit-ears beneath his fingertips. So many of Claudius's memories, from childhood onward, are more like a broken mirror with jagged edges, slicing his palm whenever he tried to assemble the pieces. He's used to it, he realizes. It gives him something to share. "Know thou ... many scholars of trauma I've read theorize that trauma arises when we cannot integrate our memories into our sense of self." He takes a quiet, explanatory tone. "Autobiographical memory, they call it. The stories we tell, ordering all the events of our lives, from the most distant memory to the present moment. Yet some events are too violent, too violating, too chaotically cruel to slot in with the rest. This is the nature of my disorder -- a disorder of memory and emotion, where past pains recur as vivid and immediate as anything in the present. For a while ... thou may'st feel as I do. As though thy memories have been re-shuffled and re-dealt to thee, and thou know'st not how to order them, or how to keeping telling the story of thy self when thou hast lived so many months without them. An thou dost, I would have thee confide in me. As I did in thee."
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In the slow silence, he breathes, careful with it. He has to line up the words before he can speak them, like assembling a weiqi defense stone by stone. "Magnus," he says when he can. "He nearly died and I was not there. I was with Aornis. It was a mundane conversation. She was working her entropy manipulation to kill Magnus all the while."
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But there are no apologies between himself and Lan Wangji. I wouldn't ask you to feel guilty for wanting to understand me. Now even if Lan Wangji begged him not to look, not to care, not to acknowledge the pain they were able to push through when they had an objective in front of them … Claudius couldn’t bring himself to turn away. Not now. Not after all they’ve been through.
“I have thee,” he says again, as fiercely as he feels it, blood and tears and all. “I know thee.”
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Then, only one person could coax him away. Lan Huan would find him, look at him with concern and trepidation, and bundle him back to their shared house before hai hour, saying, Remember, Lan Zhan? She's gone. Lan Zhan would let himself be led, but he knew that he would be back the next month, too.
There is nothing left to await here. Aornis is dead, and whatever damage she has inflicted is unchangeable. All Lan Wangji's fears and doubts and responsibilities are snapping loose, the sudden and shocking absence of several of his burdens, and he knows that satisfaction and relief are on the horizon, but that he must navigate his way through this pain first. Staying its hand has never worked. He hangs on and lets himself cry, silent and shaking and safe in his brother's arms.
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The tears are beginning to slow, but he stays as he is for one more careful, drawn-out breath, his face tucked into the shelter of Claudius' shoulder. When he does straighten, tear-tracks cutting through the traces of blood still on his face, he looks at Claudius with something suspended between ruefulness and gratitude. He presses his hand, all the depth of his gladness for their brotherhood in the way his fingers tighten around Claudius' palm for that moment. "I--" he starts again, then, realizing what he wants, says only, "I would like to sit down."
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