lightbearinglord: (worry zone)
Lan Wangji (蓝忘机) ([personal profile] lightbearinglord) wrote2024-09-11 01:38 pm
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[ closed post: the heavy is the root of the light ]

His promise has been kept. Gideon has seen Aornis' body, and the conclusive nature of her death can't be denied. When Lan Wangji drew back the covering of his own robe, there was nothing, no lingering spirit. There was only a body.

He finds his way to the game room for the third time that day, weary. It has emptied of all its occupants now. The television has been shut off. Lan Wangji suspects that he spots one of SecUnit's drones, but he doesn't have the heart to look more closely. He is not trudging -- not in reality, not when he has his body trained so impeccably to obey him -- but he feels a certain heaviness of limb as he crosses the room's threshold again. His robes are flecked with blood and there are still traces of dried blood on his face, though the glass shard wounds that bled there are scabbing over by now. Memories keep plucking at him with demanding fingers, trying for his attention, and he continues to dismiss them as best he can, with every scrap of discipline that he has.

The room has been emptied, more accurately, of all its occupants but one. Claudius, who waited to meet him just as he asked. Lan Wangji could easily make an excuse for this request -- he and Claudius worked together on this plan for so long, coordinating what felt like a thousand game pieces and meticulously documenting every move and discovery they made. It would be easy to tell himself that he merely wants to bring finality to their efforts by going over the details of the battle, nothing more. It isn't untrue. But he knows that, in fact, most of what he wants is to see his friend. He wants the comfort of his presence and of the fact that they've accomplished what they meant to accomplish, as unclean as it feels now. They're done, and no one else had to die for it.
wickedwit: (thoughtful)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-11 09:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Claudius waited the whole time, of course, focused and thoughtful -- for a flickering moment he felt like he was like more connected to SecUnit than he'd ever been. But he didn't let himself linger on the success of raising slightly in the esteem of someone he's struggled to impress. He was turning through his memories.

Rousseau also says that humans are naturally good but quickly descend into corrupt sophistication -- he remembers the ironic emphasis. When playing the role of the neutral investigator, Aornis rarely let her true disdain be known through such slips. Claudius was the same way, though that quickly broke -- he couldn't keep himself from complaining to Temeraire about all the ways society fails people, all the ways he thought they'd be better off without kings and absolute judgment. If Aornis's last, bitter words about going down without a trial reached no one else, they reached him.

He would've liked to have known her better. He would've taken her side, he thinks, if she relented, if she expressed regret for her petty manipulations with Galahad's dreams when Galahad was (he's sure) nothing but kind and trusting with her. If she expressed fear, when she attacked Magnus for remembering her, or when she attacked Luo Binghe and killed Shen Yuan in the crossfire. He would've helped her lie, helped her evade Luo Binghe's vengeance, which more than ever Claudius finds petty and hollow. Luo Binghe was a convenient figure to manipulate, that was all. Bitter and empty except for his vengeance.

I'm a Hades, Aornis said at the last, in those quick, forgotten seconds which would've been lost forever, if Galahad didn't capture her image that night to fix her face in his mind. Sympathy isn't our style.

There's an integrity to that, he's sure. He thinks he'll mourn her, despite everything, as a niece he'd never had, making the some foolish mistakes as him because she thought she had no choice but to play the villain. But he still holds close to his heart his confession to Tress, the confession of all his lies, but also of how much he'd come to love her. I don't think lies can really make someone happy.

Lies were all Claudius had to give, so he couldn't save Aornis from herself. Not when she didn't want to be saved. She's with her brother now, or she isn't, but whatever else, she'll never be a part of their pack.

And Claudius waits for his. When Lan Wangji returns, Claudius turns, and extends an outstretched hand. "Thou hast done well," he says, and says it like a promise.
Edited 2024-09-11 21:53 (UTC)
wickedwit: (smiling villain)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-11 10:43 pm (UTC)(link)
"My brother," Claudius says with a laugh, a little broken, but sincerely glad. That frustrating point he felt foolish of raising, with Sagramore in front of him ready to give up everything -- Claudius has reasons not to want Luo Binghe's blood near him. Reasons not to trust Luo Binghe, who slipped that poison at their first meeting, and thought himself innocent because he didn't intend to torture Claudius right away, because he only succumbed to temptation the first moment he felt insecure. "Thou needst not fear. Soon, that blood will mean nothing to us."
Edited 2024-09-11 22:44 (UTC)
wickedwit: (intent)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-11 11:37 pm (UTC)(link)
Through it all, Claudius holds Lan Wangji's hand. Claudius has no illusions about himself. He isn't supernaturally blessed. He isn't the protagonist, meant to emerge victorious from every conflict, but neither he is the sort of villain who flourishes outside of narrative limitations, who always comes out ahead despite being so obviously being in the wrong. He's from a tragedy.

And yet, coming from a tragedy, Claudius managed to met a truly good man, a man meant to be the romantic hero (Claudius sometimes thinks, with no evidence) who holds the antihero when he stumbles. Their brotherhood wasn't destiny. No one who wrote their stories required this happen, required Claudius to catch Lan Wangji, and look at him with a world's worth of gratitude and love. "I have thee," he murmurs. Of that much, he's sure. If he was wrong, to put Lan Wangji on this path, that's a responsibility he'll bear -- but he'll bear it gladly. He pulls his friend close.
wickedwit: (intent)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-13 02:35 pm (UTC)(link)
There's no need for thank you, no need for I'm sorry, no need to tell Lan Wangji how brave he's been or how much he's borne up to this moment. It's enough to bear it with him. There's no need to count the favors between them -- something Claudius has long accepted, but at last understands. Holding Lan Wangji, he's also held. Bloody hands and all, he runs his thumb in soothing circles along the edge of Lan Wangji's palm, and by it soothes himself. "Thy stolen memories," he murmurs. "Have they returned?"
wickedwit: (thoughtful)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-15 02:56 am (UTC)(link)
"Unexpectedly, yes." His notes prepared him, at least, for the mortification of being fooled for so long by her, of how easy it was to set him scrambling and spreading word of her manufactured history, and the one-sided war of rumors that followed. But other memories arise, memories he was too shamed to put to paper. “She meant to make a scapegoat of Luo Binghe. She told me once, but took the memory after taunting me, then set me back on my path like an automaton wound to walk in only one direction. I would've followed it to the end, to some conflict I would never win, except ... I confided my fears in thee. I never forgot I trusted thee, yet I forgot thou kept'st my confidence."
wickedwit: (thoughtful)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-15 04:09 pm (UTC)(link)
"'E'en so," Claudius says, and there's a warmth when he says it, coloring the edges of his voice like the warming glow of a hearthfire. His mind darts from memory to memory, as it often does when drawing connections -- but the weight of Lan Wangji's head on his shoulder steadies him. It fills him with fondness, the same fondness first kindled when he shared a drink with a composed and elegant stranger, and endearing sleepiness sunk in. Lan Wangji let himself feel what he needed to feel: tired and lonely, demanding Wei Ying like a child demanding a cherished toy. 

It's a gentle memory, soft as rabbit-ears beneath his fingertips. So many of Claudius's memories, from childhood onward, are more like a broken mirror with jagged edges, slicing his palm whenever he tried to assemble the pieces. He's used to it, he realizes. It gives him something to share. "Know thou ... many scholars of trauma I've read theorize that trauma arises when we cannot integrate our memories into our sense of self." He takes a quiet, explanatory tone. "Autobiographical memory, they call it. The stories we tell, ordering all the events of our lives, from the most distant memory to the present moment. Yet some events are too violent, too violating, too chaotically cruel to slot in with the rest. This is the nature of my disorder -- a disorder of memory and emotion, where past pains recur as vivid and immediate as anything in the present. For a while ... thou may'st feel as I do. As though thy memories have been re-shuffled and re-dealt to thee, and thou know'st not how to order them, or how to keeping telling the story of thy self when thou hast lived so many months without them. An thou dost, I would have thee confide in me. As I did in thee."
wickedwit: (intent)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-15 07:55 pm (UTC)(link)
At a greater distance, Claudius might have slowly nodded to show his understanding. Instead he tightens his hold on Lan Wangji. "Thou art someone who would do anything to protect those he loves. I could tell thee many stories to prove it; I have seen with my own eyes how tireless thou art. To know thou couldst do nothing, thou wert not there, thou couldst not predict the danger ... 'tis hard enough to reconcile for a man such as thee. But now thou rememberest how close thou wert to his attacker, who even then had fooled us all, and cruelly used thee as a cover to evade suspicion. It brings back regrets thou didst not know to have, sharper and keener than before. Am I right?"
wickedwit: (melancholia)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-15 08:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Tears have always been Claudius’s weakness — women’s tears, more than any other, since the first time Gertrude failed to keep the tremor from her voice when she said I wouldn’t want to worry you. Truthfully, his feelings frightened him more than hers, swelling fierce and sudden in his chest, and he knew he would commit any sin to see her smile again. His instinct is to soften himself, to apologize for prying, to bear all smooth and even.

But there are no apologies between himself and Lan Wangji. I wouldn't ask you to feel guilty for wanting to understand me. Now even if Lan Wangji begged him not to look, not to care, not to acknowledge the pain they were able to push through when they had an objective in front of them … Claudius couldn’t bring himself to turn away. Not now. Not after all they’ve been through.

“I have thee,” he says again, as fiercely as he feels it, blood and tears and all. “I know thee.”
wickedwit: (melancholia)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-16 12:03 am (UTC)(link)
"Thou hast a heart," he murmurs. It's what he wishes he told Gertrude -- no. It's what he wishes he could have told himself. He kept trying to shut his heart away, to stuff down that swelling feeling in his chest. But Lan Wangji feels everything fully, loves with abandon, would hold a man for thirteen years in his heart after being flogged for defending him. He put a brand to his chest just to share a scar with that man he thought was forever lost to him. To feel no pain, he would have to be heartless. He simply held that pain inside himself, until it was safe to let it go. That's trouble with these memories, Claudius thinks wryly. You can't let something go if you don't know where to put it.
wickedwit: (mm really?)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-16 01:07 am (UTC)(link)
"Of course." Claudius tugs his hand, a little. "Come sit with me."
wickedwit: (mm really?)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-16 01:46 am (UTC)(link)
Both their hands and clothes still have blood on them, which might may might the sight surreal -- but sitting like this, it feels like any light-hearted evening where Claudius might steal a few hours of his friend's time to sit and talk and sip tea together. "Wouldst thou know something I am proud of thee for," he asks, "that thou mightst not think to be proud of?"
wickedwit: (mm really?)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-16 11:41 am (UTC)(link)
"Thou didst never waver in thy intention. When Aornis meddled in thy mind ... from here, it seemed to happen so quickly." He tells it like one of his cocktail stories, but with the dark humor that could only be a war story. Too soon, perhaps, to tell, but it matters that Lan Wangji hears. "SecUnit caught on quickly, of course. I have to respect its insight -- even with its eyes in the room, it couldn't have seen what was in thy head, but it understood at once that thou wert manipulated. And as soon as it warned thee, I could hear Luo Binghe, shouting his unhelpful nonsense about how thou couldst not resist opposing him, because he needs everyone in the world to be as obsessed with him as he is with himself. He doesn't know thee as I do, and never will, to his own detriment. Thine intention was not to oppose him for its own, blind sake. It was to use what power thou hast to protect those more vulnerable than thyself. Even if thou wert against a stronger opponent, with an unreasoning grudge against thee. I was fiercely glad, know'st thou. Knowing that Luo Binghe could justify the pettiest of cruelties against a man who spoke so much as an unkind word to him ... I could trust him to face Aornis without swerving or distraction. He would pay for blood with blood, as he always does, and nothing she said could sway him. But he hardly cares as thou dost about using his power to protect the vulnerable, not unless those vulnerable gave him all their praise and affection. If I sent him against Aornis alone ... I would have to bear on my conscience whatever lengths he went to, to prove his own strength and superiority. Dost thou understand? Because thou wert in the advance guard with him, I knew thou wouldst bring as swift and as merciful an end as thou couldst make. 'Tis thine intention I trust completely. And whatever she did to thy memories, that intention did not change. That's why it was possible for thee to remember who thou wert protecting, who was most at risk, and find thy purpose again."
Edited (a million typo corrections) 2024-09-16 11:42 (UTC)
wickedwit: (mm really?)

[personal profile] wickedwit 2024-09-16 04:05 pm (UTC)(link)
"I did?" Claudius's eyes momentarily widen. "Perhaps I am a good influence on you, after all."

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