"I am glad," Lan Wangji starts, "that you feel easier." He does mean it, and he does not want his unhappiness to compel Claudius to the same. There were long years where he felt concern for Wei Ying so urgent that terror rang in his ears even as he sat in the silent jingshi, or as he bedded for the night in the endless series of camps Gusu Lan made during the war. Wei Ying brushed him aside, or laughed, or looked at him as though they were bitter enemies. Come back to Gusu with me. Wei Ying refused, and Lan Wangji was so afraid of becoming his father. There must have been something better, something he could have said that would have broken through, but he never discovered what it was, and then Wei Ying was dead.
Most of his silences are of a more contemplative nature, but in this one, he is actively struggling to bring order to his thoughts. Vulnerability has never been of interest to him, and yet it was forced upon him, and he still can't entirely make up his mind about what to regret. "There is a rule on the Cloud Recesses Wall of Discipline. Be careful with your words. That rule has shielded me." He brings a hand up to touch the base of his own throat, then, appearing faintly startled at himself, drops it again. "I told you that I have always been this way. Having my silence ripped from my hands was... painful." It costs him some effort, but he looks directly at Claudius, and at last the words begin to cooperate. "I regret what I said to others. I was improper, uncouth, ungenerous, and unhelpful by turns. But not what I said to you. I would not have chosen for you to see me that way. Only my brother and Wei Ying have known me so thoroughly. I feel shame, still, but not regret."
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Most of his silences are of a more contemplative nature, but in this one, he is actively struggling to bring order to his thoughts. Vulnerability has never been of interest to him, and yet it was forced upon him, and he still can't entirely make up his mind about what to regret. "There is a rule on the Cloud Recesses Wall of Discipline. Be careful with your words. That rule has shielded me." He brings a hand up to touch the base of his own throat, then, appearing faintly startled at himself, drops it again. "I told you that I have always been this way. Having my silence ripped from my hands was... painful." It costs him some effort, but he looks directly at Claudius, and at last the words begin to cooperate. "I regret what I said to others. I was improper, uncouth, ungenerous, and unhelpful by turns. But not what I said to you. I would not have chosen for you to see me that way. Only my brother and Wei Ying have known me so thoroughly. I feel shame, still, but not regret."